My Coming Out Story
A little background about myself: I grew up in a Christian home and went to a Christian school. My family went to church every Sunday, my dad worked for that church, my Mom and her Mom all went to the same Christian school and I spent Wednesdays at youth group. A lot of my life revolved around Christianity. It’s not possible for me to talk about my coming out story without mentioning my religious upbringing. Also, in this story, I refer to myself as gay and lesbian, but I am bisexual. More on that later.
The earliest memory I have of liking girls is at age 4. There was a girl in my preschool class that I always wanted to play house with. She would be the “dad” and I would be the “mom”. I loved the idea of being married to a girl when I grew up (And that hasn’t changed much). I had crushes on boys too, it wasn’t exclusively one way or the other. Plenty of crushes formed in elementary school that I couldn’t completely understand. Subconsciously I knew that I was allowed to talk about boys but not girls. I’m not sure how I knew, no one told me I couldn’t, but I stuffed that part of myself away in a closet for 10 years. I buried my attraction for the same-sex deep down, where even I couldn’t find it anymore.
At age 15 I went to an anime convention (Fun fact about me: I used to be obsessed with anime and I still watch it to this day) and I met a girl. She was so different, so unapologetic, so proudly who she was. She was beautiful in a very masculine sort of way. I spent the day with her, we walked around outside and sat down in a grassy area at night and she kissed me. That kiss was the point of no return, it was as if a switch flipped in my mind releasing what had been kept hidden for so long. I didn’t think it was wrong that I kissed a girl, or that I should hate myself for liking her. It felt right, like a piece of myself fell into place and I could never go back to the way things used to be. After that point, I felt no shame for who I was and I immediately started dating the girl I met at the convention.
We began dating in secret, neither of our parents knew. Since I grew up in a Christian home, I knew better than to come out to my parents on a whim. I thought about telling them for months. I was relatively open with my parents so it was different for me to keep something from them (Aside from my sexuality). One day I thought I would be clever and I asked my mom what she would do if my brother came out to her. This completely backfired when she responded, “Why? Because you think you’re gay?” I was so taken aback by her response that I sputtered out, “I don’t know. Maybe” and our relationship has never been the same. I couldn’t eat for two straight days because I felt so sick over making my mom upset. She would look at me and cry because I came out to her. I’m not going to sugar coat it; the next three years of my life were miserable. We would argue incessantly and use more tissues in those three years than I probably will for the rest of my life. My dad was less emotional, but I vividly remember a conversation we had while playing a chess game. We used to always play board games together, so we were acting like things were normal even though everything had changed. I brought up the subject of being gay and Christian and he told me I would go to hell. It was so jarring and sad to hear my dad say that to me. My parents forced me to see a counselor that worked at my church. The counselor would ask me things about my sexuality and I would lie through it all, just so the sessions would stop. It wasn’t conversion therapy (Thank God) but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with a guy whose office was right next to my dad’s.
Probably the worst thing was that my parents didn’t tell me they loved me regardless of my sexuality. They stopped saying “I love you” on a regular basis. I don’t think it was on purpose, but I just wanted to hear unconditional love from my parents like I used to hear before coming out. It didn’t happen and that was the worst part.
My mom and dad asked me to not tell anyone at my school because they hoped it was a phase. Being a teenager, I naturally did the exact opposite of what my parents asked. I’m a very emotional person and it’s important for me to get my feelings out. I couldn’t get them out at home, so I had to let them out somewhere. I immediately told all my close friends and teachers about my sexuality and my girlfriend. To this day, I can’t believe how wonderful my coming out was received at my Christian school. My friends were so accepting and tried to honestly understand my perspective. My teachers would ask how things were at home because they knew my parents weren’t understanding. My teachers became my adoptive parents when mine were trying to cope. My Bible teacher taught us the parable of the Ethiopian Eunuch and compared it to being gay (You can read more about that Bible story comparison here). My art teacher was always a shoulder to cry on and would stay late after school to talk with me. My creative writing teacher encouraged me to write about my experience and she provided positive feedback and advice.
In that same creative writing class, we were asked to write a letter to God. In this letter, I asked God if he even knew I was here. Did he love me even though I was a lesbian? I thought of my dad as a very godly man and I really valued his beliefs, so when he told me I would go to hell it created a crack in my faith. Writing this letter was the first time I ever came to terms with the fear that I couldn’t be a Christian and gay. That day we had a chapel at the end of school. A teacher that I had never met, spoke the only sermon about gay people that would ever be said while I was at school. He told a story from when he was in school about a boy that was gay and was bullied. How he picked on this boy in gym class and how he now regretted it. The teacher looked down at me in the auditorium, pointed, and said “God loves you for YOU. There is nothing you can do to make that change.” And I burst into tears. For the first time in my life, I had felt God speaking to me. My friend hugged me in the auditorium as I cried. That’s the moment I hold on to, even today when someone questions who I am or my faith. I know God created me as a bisexual cisgender woman and I’m fully loved and accepted by him. I honestly believe if it wasn’t for my Christian school I would not believe in God today.
My parents eventually found out about my secret girlfriend and cut all forms of communication between us. The strain on our relationship was too great and we ended it. At 17 I met a girl who I would date for 3 years. We kept our relationship a secret also. A few weeks after graduating from high school I moved out the first chance I got. I needed to leave my parent’s home so I could be myself.
After moving out I grew to really miss my parents and vise versa. My girlfriend told me her mother was abusing her and I didn’t know where else to turn. One night I drove to my parent’s house and sat down in the living room. Crying, I confessed that I had a secret relationship (again) and now my girlfriend was in danger. I needed their help. To my surprise, they were understanding and wanted to meet her. I started noticing books strewn about my parent’s house with titles like, “How to Love Your Gay Child” and “Being Gay and Christian”. They both started going to therapy and my mom joined a Facebook group for parents of gay children. They started attending PFLAG support group meetings (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and grew more and more accepting of me each day. I think my parents didn’t understand that I could be a lesbian but still want to be a Christian. That I was still the daughter they always knew, but that I wanted to marry a woman instead of a man. When that realization hit them it changed everything and they learned as much as they could.
My 3 year relationship with my girlfriend ended and I started dating other people. It was around this time that I opened up to myself about being bisexual. A part of me was embarrassed to admit it because I had told so many people I was a lesbian. I didn’t want people to think being a lesbian or being bisexual was interchangeable or a phase, but it can take time to figure out who you are and to separate yourself from societal stereotypes and biases. I believe sexuality is a fluid thing that’s hard to grasp at times. I dated a few guys but it didn’t take long after that before I met my future wife.
At 20 I met Cally, who I knew was right for me. We dated for 5 years and my parents gave her their blessing when she asked if she could marry me. My father walked me down the aisle and my mom read the “Love is patient, love is kind” Bible passage at my wedding. We’ve joined a gay affirming UCC church and our pastor was there to marry us. My whole family was there, even my grandparents. Cally and I have now been together for 8 years and are fully accepted and supported in my family.
My parents worked so hard to reverse their beliefs that they grew up with. I’m sure it’s easy to judge them and think that they could have done better when I came out. But all I feel is profound relief that they wanted to save the relationship they had with me that was broken. So many LGBTQ+ people lose their parents and never speak with them again. Mine decided to learn, grow and kill their own ignorance so that they could have me in their lives. My parents are my best friends and I am so overjoyed that they have found it in their hearts to love me for who I am. I love them both completely and feel no resentment or bitterness towards them in the least. They were presented with a bridge that they never expected to cross. They could have chosen to walk away. They could have chosen to burn that bridge. But they chose to take the long, slow walk across to be with their bisexual daughter. I hope that if I am presented with a bridge in parenthood that I choose to be brave and cross it anyway, as my parents did for me.
My story is about coming to terms with my sexuality, questioning my faith and my bittersweet relationship with my parents. If you read this far, thank you. If you are LGBTQ+ and not being accepted by your community and those you love, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Check out the It Gets Better Project and know that it really does get better. If you or someone you know is struggling with accepting someone who is LGBTQ+ please find your local PFLAG chapter, seek out therapy, read books and join Facebook groups. But most of all, tell that LGBTQ+ person in your life that you love them. Unconditionally.
